Lee and Shea Preston Founders and Directors
I am sure that God has, at times, considered me the hard-head of the hard-heads… I have fought to have my own way so much throughout my life. I am so thankful that God did not turn me over to my own depravity during my many times of rebellion. I was saved at the age of 8 years old. All of it seemed right to me and I accepted Jesus into my heart. Little did I know that my relationship with Him would be such a growing process.
I had mostly girl friends at school and enjoyed playing house, tag, etc. I was confused in my thinking about being a boy and felt as if my Dad and I did not connect. At age 13, I began looking at pornographic magazines. Many were female pornography, but some were male. I began looking at magazines any chance I got. Although I tried to look at the female magazines because I knew that was what I should be looking at, I tended to gravitate each time to the male magazine. I remember wanting so badly to be like the men in that magazine… the beginnings of idolatry had begun. At age 16, a man in a public restroom put his arm under the stall and grabbed my leg and attempted to pull me closer… I did not know what to think. I left the restroom afraid and confused about my own identity – Am I gay?
Going to public restrooms for anonymous sex went on for several years – struggling to stop, knowing that it was not God’s best, even asking Him to stop me. But the feelings were too strong, the addiction already too cemented into my soul. I struggled on and off for years, getting married at some point to attempt to have the "perfect" life, but was unable to stop the addiction. I was arrested during this time period for indecent exposure in a public restroom – although it was a wake up call for me, I could not stop the addiction or the feelings of same sex attraction. Divorce was the next step in my troubled marriage and although I had a beautiful daughter, I could not stop for her either. I soon entered a relationship with a man; I felt like a failure and did not feel the contentment I had hoped for – this also began to deteriorate. Finally, I guess I came to the end of myself…
One evening at my sister’s house I was reading the Prayer of Jabez and prayed this prayer "God, if you really want to enlarge my territory… if you really want me to not be in pain, or to hurt others, if you really have something bigger for me, then I want to know it and I want out of this, but You have to be the one to do it… I can see I don’t know how."
That night I ended the same-sex relationship determined to return to the ex-gay group for support and healing. I had met a woman that I was working with in counseling that God began using to heal me as well. As I would counsel her on her own sexual abuse issues, God would show me my own selfishness and idolatry – two of the biggest cornerstones of homosexual sin. As I began to give of myself to her in her hurt and desperate pain, God began to remove the intense desire for false male intimacy. I also got into a great men’s group for accountability and support. Soon, God began to use this woman in my life as we prayed because she too wanted Jesus, but just didn’t know how to get to Him. God led to the two of us (this woman and myself) down a road of healing. I thought I was the healer, but actually Jesus was healing both of us together. Soon the addiction stopped altogether and the feelings were less and less. She would pray with me and tell me things that Jesus had told her about me. She asked one time, "Do you feel worthy of His love?" It hit me like a huge brick – I understood that the shame of this sin begins to cover you like a shroud and that I didn’t feel worthy of His love because of all the things that I had done.
So, the healing has continued. This woman that I was supposed to help, now was helping me. Her healing came as well and we began to help others in a group at our church and over time, we fell in love – something that I had decided would never happen for me. I soon realized that she was to be my wife and that the healing would continue. She has been my love, my accountability partner, my "sharpener" (iron sharpens iron) my comfort, and my precious jewel – the gift that God has given me.